I had an abortion a long time ago and it's on my mind everyday. I think about friends who have lost their babies or are trying very hard to have babies and I feel like a dick. I got pregnant very easily. Well, maybe I feel that way because I was careless and didn't want a baby, but I knew that what I was doing was going to result in one. I was young(er) and stupid. I chose not to go through with the pregnancy because I wasn't ready to raise a child in an environment that I didn't even want to be in. I didn't want to look at its face feeling like I needed to say, "Sorry I did this to you."
So now that The Dude and are talking about the idea of maybe trying soon (see how wacky and confusing that is?) I can't help but be freaked out. I think sometimes I just want to be pregnant so that I know I'm forgiven (Sorry, I'm Catholic) for my choices. So I can take a huge breath and remember that I'm not a selfish dickhead. This is all so weird. Even more weird is that I'm actually putting all of these craziness into words for someone else to read, evaluate, and judge. Why do I do this to myself?
Maybe I'm hoping someone, other than The Dude, will tell me that it's going to be okay. That's there's nothing wrong with my body or with his body. That the choices I made as a young adult will not come back to punish me or fuck up my plans. Maybe?
