LOL

The people that work here are fucking jerks.

Part of my job is to make sure that people who order stuff from other companies get the stuff and the company gets paid. So I emailed this dude and I'm all, "Dear Sir: Did you get it or what?" Ok. I was more profesh than that. He called me back and filled my ear with lots of heavy sighs and frustrated mumbles about how he already sent a formal letter to someone (that someone being me, but he couldn't fucking remember... and it wasn't a formal letter. It was a one sentence email saying, "I got the shit, yo.") that he got all the junk he wanted. BUT. And these are his words, not mine. "With all the stuff coming in that day I couldn't keep track of whether or not I got everything."

So what this dickhead is saying is that he's not sure if he got all $60,000 worth of stuff. Sixty. Thousand. I freak out if I can't find the damn pair of tights I bought for five fucking bucks. How do you NOT know where this shit is? Some company in rural who the eff knows where is missing out on their money because you're not sure. Way to go buddy, you just got the Shittiest Person Award.

Then this huge bitch intervenes. She's kind of a big deal. She makes the decisions and as her minion I carry out her bullshit. Hey, it pays. Moving on. By the way, we'll just call her The Bitch. I call it how I see it. Anyways. This Jerkoff goes, "Well I'll give [The Bitch] a call. She's an old bugger and I'll tell her [what's up]." I'm all... okay, Jerk. Good luck telling The Bitch that you can't keep track of shit. So I'm expecting a huge blowout, as is my coworker. We're just waiting for shit to hit the fan so we can sit by our coffee maker and go "I fucking told him so." Much to my (our) dismay and much to my fucking annoyance I get an email back from The Jerkoff mocking me. He basically says something like this:


I, The Jerkoff, do hereby confirm that I have all crap that I ordered. I do certify that this order is complete. Add some more dickish words that totally make fun of how professional I was trying to be with him.

There's more, but I can't include it. So The Bitch writes back and says:

Great, you are the bestest, not to mention soooooooooo smart! lol

Really, you stupid dipshits? And yes, she really said exactly that. The Bitch can't even write me back EVER, but she can talk all kinds of fucking cute to some stupid, old mouth breather who has no concept of how to do his job correctly. You guys get paid tons of fucking money and this is how you act in emails. I also forgot to tell you about a previous email exchange in which The Bitch uses fucking nicknames for The Jerkoff and more LOLs than a fucking 10-year-olds text message. In the mean time, I address and sign my emails appropriately WITHOUT mocking people. And I'm an entire two generations younger than these douche bags.

Lately I've been thinking about who would be in my own personal Human Centipede. And after today I finally have my three: Sarah Palin, The Jerkoff, and The Bitch. In that exact order.

Assholes.